I QUIT

 20/10/23

Today is the day I officially turn in my resignation. 

This is a significant milestone because this is my first time resigning from a job. After being let go due to business closure in my first job, I told myself I would resign from my next job myself to prevent feeling like a wreck. 

Who would have thought that 2021 and 2022 will suck half my life away? I have never felt more shitty in my 2.5 years stint there. My mental health took a turn for the worse. While I am glad for the camaraderie and work-friendships made along the way, I wish it happened in happier circumstances. 

I feel proud of myself for once. I felt the exhilaration, the clarity for once. I hope I will never forget this feeling for a very long time. 

Regardless of what happens in the future, I hope I will look back at how far I come. And I will find the courage and strength to stand up for my rights and values. 

Tired of running away

I cannot believe it! I stayed in a toxic work environment for more than 2 years. One day, something just clicked, and I finally decided to end my misery once and for all. 

So many things have happened since 2021. Long story short, I ran until I couldn't run anymore and I decided to F it. 

The straw that broke the camel's back was the utter disrespect I had to endure when the Woman said she wanted to give me the admin position but could not even have the decency to tell me she had decided to hire her buddy. What's the point of letting me wait 1 month? And I had to approach her to ask her about the status? What's the point of setting up passive-aggressive rules and regulations? 

1. I finally caved and went for therapy/counselling! 

2. I finally decided it was time to leave the company! 

3. I finally decided to put myself "out there" and seek a new job! 

4. I finally went for an interview that was entirely impromptu (a Saturday, of all days) 

5. I got a job offer today! OMG! 

I am terrified of getting hurt again. I am now 32 years old and I seriously doubt I can handle another blow to my delicate emotional state of mind. 

But I guess what they say is true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

F U

 My job sucks. 

And I feel like I should rid myself of this burden by quitting. The more I think about it, the more fuck up this company is. No wonder no one likes it here. No wonder people quit. And the management has the nerve to say "I thought they are happy". 

Spineless management who cannot stand up to the parents. Management that likes to gossip and create divisions. Never mind, I can endure all this because I am here to work, that's all. How much am I earning anyway? If I had known it was this bad, I wouldn't have joined this disgusting place. No wonder this company couldn't win any tender. They can close down for all I care. 

What the hell is wrong with these people? Why are people so damned entitled? If you can't control your kid, what makes you think I can control him? 

Shit fest

 If I could bring myself to use all the swear words out there, I would. 

I am tired; tired enough to want to end it all. I go to bed each night wishing I never wake up and when I did wake up, I only feel dread for the day. 

If I can turn back time, I would have done things differently. At the very least, I would have taken some time off for myself to grieve and overcome my "retrenchment". I would have signed up for the 6 months Skillsfuture course to feel useful. I would not have rushed into this shitty job that doesn't even pay well. I guessed I was blindsided. 

This is a shit fest. I feel like an utter loser at aged 30. I didn't even accomplish anything worth mentioning. I have forgotten what it's like to be happy. I swear to god I will quit this job someday next year. Yet, I don't know what else I want to do. 

Second-guessing myself

So I decided to give it a shot and sign up for full-time employment at this place. The pay is low and I figure since I don't know what I want and have no mental power to go through the whole job seeking process again, I might as well do this job first. 

It's just iffy because the manager went on and on about what's essentially loyalty; staying on for 2-3 years to gain experience, quitting hurts company morale, etc. LOL, what century are we in again? There is no loyalty to speak of. 

Being a nonreligious person, I also feel kind of uncomfortable working in a church-operated company, although it is situated in a government school. I guess I just have to be friendly but firm I want no part in the recruitment process. 

Whatever, I will give myself a year in the company and see how it goes from there. 

Meh

1 month after starting my 2nd job. 

I wouldn't go as far as to say I loathe the job, but there is certainly no love lost. The only pros are the proximity and "work-life" balance. The pay sucks ball. The management is... they get a star for trying, but meh. 

I don't really care for company outings and whatnot. All these are merely distractions. I just want to do my job for 8 hours and go home. I am not there to make friends, alright? 

Would it be morbid to wish for death on my 30th birthday? I don't want to do this anymore. 

There is no going back

I miss those good old days even though I know there is no going back. 

I used to work weekday nights and Saturday mornings and I would give up anything to go back again. I miss my Mondays and Wednesday half-days. I miss going out shopping in those afternoons. I miss those "5th weeks". 

I don't know if I can deal with being in this role for this year. I guess it is not too late to quit but I have to be pragmatic. I have insurance and investment that need paying. I need my CPF. I need to grow my savings. Worst of all, I don't even know what I want to do. 

But now, I guess I have a clearer idea. I want to focus more on tutoring individual students. I think I can do well in that area. Hopefully, I will end my job soon and look for assignments on the side... 

I missed studying. At least there is a clear start and end to it. At least I have school holidays to look forward to. At least we can talk about things other than work. I don't even mind the exams and projects.