I QUIT

 20/10/23

Today is the day I officially turn in my resignation. 

This is a significant milestone because this is my first time resigning from a job. After being let go due to business closure in my first job, I told myself I would resign from my next job myself to prevent feeling like a wreck. 

Who would have thought that 2021 and 2022 will suck half my life away? I have never felt more shitty in my 2.5 years stint there. My mental health took a turn for the worse. While I am glad for the camaraderie and work-friendships made along the way, I wish it happened in happier circumstances. 

I feel proud of myself for once. I felt the exhilaration, the clarity for once. I hope I will never forget this feeling for a very long time. 

Regardless of what happens in the future, I hope I will look back at how far I come. And I will find the courage and strength to stand up for my rights and values. 

Tired of running away

I cannot believe it! I stayed in a toxic work environment for more than 2 years. One day, something just clicked, and I finally decided to end my misery once and for all. 

So many things have happened since 2021. Long story short, I ran until I couldn't run anymore and I decided to F it. 

The straw that broke the camel's back was the utter disrespect I had to endure when the Woman said she wanted to give me the admin position but could not even have the decency to tell me she had decided to hire her buddy. What's the point of letting me wait 1 month? And I had to approach her to ask her about the status? What's the point of setting up passive-aggressive rules and regulations? 

1. I finally caved and went for therapy/counselling! 

2. I finally decided it was time to leave the company! 

3. I finally decided to put myself "out there" and seek a new job! 

4. I finally went for an interview that was entirely impromptu (a Saturday, of all days) 

5. I got a job offer today! OMG! 

I am terrified of getting hurt again. I am now 32 years old and I seriously doubt I can handle another blow to my delicate emotional state of mind. 

But I guess what they say is true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 

F U

 My job sucks. 

And I feel like I should rid myself of this burden by quitting. The more I think about it, the more fuck up this company is. No wonder no one likes it here. No wonder people quit. And the management has the nerve to say "I thought they are happy". 

Spineless management who cannot stand up to the parents. Management that likes to gossip and create divisions. Never mind, I can endure all this because I am here to work, that's all. How much am I earning anyway? If I had known it was this bad, I wouldn't have joined this disgusting place. No wonder this company couldn't win any tender. They can close down for all I care. 

What the hell is wrong with these people? Why are people so damned entitled? If you can't control your kid, what makes you think I can control him? 

Shit fest

 If I could bring myself to use all the swear words out there, I would. 

I am tired; tired enough to want to end it all. I go to bed each night wishing I never wake up and when I did wake up, I only feel dread for the day. 

If I can turn back time, I would have done things differently. At the very least, I would have taken some time off for myself to grieve and overcome my "retrenchment". I would have signed up for the 6 months Skillsfuture course to feel useful. I would not have rushed into this shitty job that doesn't even pay well. I guessed I was blindsided. 

This is a shit fest. I feel like an utter loser at aged 30. I didn't even accomplish anything worth mentioning. I have forgotten what it's like to be happy. I swear to god I will quit this job someday next year. Yet, I don't know what else I want to do. 

Second-guessing myself

So I decided to give it a shot and sign up for full-time employment at this place. The pay is low and I figure since I don't know what I want and have no mental power to go through the whole job seeking process again, I might as well do this job first. 

It's just iffy because the manager went on and on about what's essentially loyalty; staying on for 2-3 years to gain experience, quitting hurts company morale, etc. LOL, what century are we in again? There is no loyalty to speak of. 

Being a nonreligious person, I also feel kind of uncomfortable working in a church-operated company, although it is situated in a government school. I guess I just have to be friendly but firm I want no part in the recruitment process. 

Whatever, I will give myself a year in the company and see how it goes from there. 

Meh

1 month after starting my 2nd job. 

I wouldn't go as far as to say I loathe the job, but there is certainly no love lost. The only pros are the proximity and "work-life" balance. The pay sucks ball. The management is... they get a star for trying, but meh. 

I don't really care for company outings and whatnot. All these are merely distractions. I just want to do my job for 8 hours and go home. I am not there to make friends, alright? 

Would it be morbid to wish for death on my 30th birthday? I don't want to do this anymore. 

There is no going back

I miss those good old days even though I know there is no going back. 

I used to work weekday nights and Saturday mornings and I would give up anything to go back again. I miss my Mondays and Wednesday half-days. I miss going out shopping in those afternoons. I miss those "5th weeks". 

I don't know if I can deal with being in this role for this year. I guess it is not too late to quit but I have to be pragmatic. I have insurance and investment that need paying. I need my CPF. I need to grow my savings. Worst of all, I don't even know what I want to do. 

But now, I guess I have a clearer idea. I want to focus more on tutoring individual students. I think I can do well in that area. Hopefully, I will end my job soon and look for assignments on the side... 

I missed studying. At least there is a clear start and end to it. At least I have school holidays to look forward to. At least we can talk about things other than work. I don't even mind the exams and projects. 

This sucks

Today is my first day of work at my new job. 

I dreaded this day for the whole of February. It wasn't a job I wanted. I only took it because I was blinded by desperation. 

I will quit without hesitation if I win big money. It's just too bad we are not rich. 

I have my resignation letter all typed out. When I had enough, I will turn it in. 

I had enough of all this shit. I don't want to commit myself to a job I can't see myself doing. I feel sorry for the folks there but it is what it is. 

7 stages of grief

I didn't take the time to grief over my job loss. I didn't expect my grief to be so great. I thought I will be stronger and stoic but apparently not. To be honest, I had wanted to leave this past couple of years but I stayed on. 

I know I rushed the process of finding and landing another job. I blamed myself for being desperate because I could not bear the thought of being unemployed and not able to have paychecks. But, the moment I committed myself to the new job, I faltered and found myself regretting my hasty decision. 

From knowing I will be made redundant to going to my first interview is only 2 weeks. From my last day of work to the first day of the new job is only a couple of days. I was too naive to believe that work will keep me from overthinking. 

This time, I will make sure I keep my emotions in check and treat work as just work. This is not what I want to be doing anyway. I don't know what I want, but I know it is not this. 

End of an era

 Last day of work in my first full-time job. 

I worked 7 years as a part-timer and 5 years as a full-timer. That's > 12 years gone. Could not believe I told myself I would quit after 3 months. Habit is a dangerous thing. 

Lots to reminisce and I can't say I didn't enjoy the journey. The children, for the most part, make it worthwhile. My boss has been great. I enjoyed the short hours. The pay, while low, isn't too shoddy if you only worked 36 hours a week. The only part I dislike is working on Saturdays. I have missed out on a lot of activities by working on Saturdays. 

My new job starts on Monday, which is stupid on my part. I don't know what I was thinking when I told them that I am available on 1st March. I should have taken a break. 

I have been crying myself to sleep for so many nights now. I guess all the feelings I have bottled up during the day just come gushing out as tears. There is no one for me to talk to or who would take me seriously. 

I decided I want to live and yet my family asks me to find meaning in life? My purpose is to live. A job is a means to the end. I never thought much about jobs. Sure, I have lofty goals and dreams when I was younger and more arrogant. I want to drive a BMW. I want to dress nicely and work in an office. I want to dine in cafes and restaurants and drink Starbucks every day. 

But that all change as entered and graduated from University. I couldn't see my future the older I get. I got disillusioned and crabby like an old fart. 

I thought, since I don't know what I can be, maybe I should just dedicate my life to help other people. But I am a coward who always overthinks and second-guessing myself. 

My five-year plan is to bid for a 2-room BTO (or a 3 room resale if possible) and invest my money to build up a passive income. I want to stop working full-time by age 45-50. I want to work part-time and/or volunteer and do what the hell I want. It will be good if I can afford a 3 room resale as I get to rent out a room. But why the hell are resale HDBs so expensive? 

A shell of my former self

I feel like I couldn't be happy anymore. 

When I look into the mirror, I saw a shell of my former self. I saw puffy eyes (because I kept crying at night), I have strands of white hair (whatever, I am growing old), I saw myself becoming old. I want to adopt the heck-care attitude, maybe I should bungee-jump or something. 

All my life, I try and try to be the perfect person. I really bought into the idea of the Singapore Dream:  "study hard, get good grades, get a good job". I put all my effort into the first two steps but I falter at the last and most crucial step. In retrospect, I should have endured and studied one more year in University to qualify for public-sector jobs. Well, that train has long since left. 

I guessed I was lucky to be employed in a stable, low-stressed job for more than 5 years. It wasn't anything hard or stressful although the pay wasn't high. My boss is my former teacher and I think I thrive in that high autonomy work environment. Too bad she decided to close her business after all these years. I never want to stay forever, but my plan is to at least have a stable income during these uncertain times. 

If there is anything I want to tell the younger generation, it is this; "good luck, you will need it. The job market is only going to get harder". 

Smiling Depression

This is just a collection of words that describe what I go through every day. Every day is a struggle for me. My emotions fluctuate wildly throughout the day and night. The only time I don't think about it is when I am asleep. 

Anhedonia - lost interest in activities they used to enjoy and have a decreased ability to feel pleasure.

After knowing I was being let go from my first job, I felt like a deflated balloon. Nothing else seems to cheer me up anymore. I couldn't even celebrate CNY properly. I forced myself to act normal and breakdown when I am alone at night. I must have cried for 6 times in 3 weeks. I know it is just a job and there will be many jobs to come, but it is what it is. I felt like I was forced to mature overnight with no room to breathe. 

Catastrophizing - a cognitive distortion that prompts people to jump to the worst possible conclusion, usually with very limited information or objective reason to despair. When a situation is upsetting, but not necessarily catastrophic, they still feel like they are in the midst of a crisis.

Passive suicidal ideation - wishing you were dead or that you could die, but you don't actually have any plans to commit suicide. 

I am alive because I am scared of pain. Dying always seems painful and scary to me. Yes, I am a coward and couldn't even face death.

I am alive because of my family. I know they will be devastated. I know they must think that I am too naive, pampered and "haven't seen the real world yet" to have thoughts like this. 

I am alive because I don't want to be a bother and inconvenience others. The last thing I want is strangers fussing over me. 

I hate myself for having bad thoughts but I envy those who died young in freak accidents. One moment he/she was alive and the next moment, he/she was gone. Does it hurt to die like that, I would think to myself. Every morning I wake up and I wish I had died in my sleep. I wish I had a cardiac arrest and be gone in an instant. 

Will you miss me when I am gone?

When I am gone, I secretly hope someone will read my blog posts.

Maybe I also hope they will feel guilty for not taking me seriously before when I said I have depression and anxiety. I know they think I am kidding. I know they think I am too pampered.  I know they think I should get a real job. I know they think I had it good for 30 years with a closed-knit family, good food, hot showers, a bed to lie in and the occasional treats. 

I know they always say I should experience the "real world" as in "look at all those less fortunate and they can survive in this world so why can't you with all your luxuries?" Well, if only life works like that. 

I don't even mind getting Covid-19 now, to be honest. If it means I get to quarantine for 2 weeks and more, I will willingly sacrifice myself. 

I now know why people end their lives. I now know why people self-harm. I now know why people cannot see themselves being happy. Because I have become one of them. 

Maybe, who knows, one of these days I will become another statistic. 

I can't see my future

I can't believe the last time I wrote a post was in 2018. 

Fast forward to 2021, and I am still here. My depression got worst, not because of Covid-19 but because the job I had for 5 years suddenly becomes obsolete. That's right, I got retrenched/terminated because the business will be closed in the end of February. 

Oh my F***ing god! I became jobless in the worst circumstance ever; still in a pandemic with a terrible job market. 

I was out for a couple of weeks. I felt like life didn't matter at all. I didn't even want to celebrate Chinese New Year. The urge to end it was high. Suicidal ideation, I get it now. (But it is stupid to kill myself over a job. A job, ultimately, is just a job. You work, you earn money, you go home. I wasn't going to leave my family behind like that.)

The funny thing is I didn't even like that job all that much. Yes, I get high autonomy. Yes, it was low-stressed and there was no politics. It was almost the perfect job for an introvert with anxiety disorder. Too bad the pay was low.

 I know I won't stay for too long but I didn't have any concrete plans and I certainly wasn't going to quit in this hostile job environment. 

Should I be thankful that the greater beings have other plans for me; at the start of the year???

I should have taken my time to find another job. But the mere thought of a total loss of income was too much to bear at that point in time. So I hopped on the job hunting train and my brother's friend referred a job for me. I bumbled my way through an interview (it was horrible for me) but I got the job. That's when the self-doubt started. I was not confident in my job scope at all. 

The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't happy. 

I should have given myself a break between jobs. Why did I just jump into a new job without giving myself time to adjust my emotions? 

I should have assessed my options a lot clearer. It was too late when I found out about the SGUnited Skills programme. I could have worked part-time instead of jumping headlong into the first opportunity presented to me. At that point in time, any lifeline is a blessing. I couldn't see my future at all and I admit I was very desperate to the point of breaking down. I cried myself to sleep at least 3 times in that 2 weeks. 

I thought turning 30 this year would be my turning point. My plan was to finally sign up for a graduate diploma programme this year after saving for so long. But now I am afraid to do it (again). I don't know if I can juggle a new full-time job and part-time studies. 

We'll see, won't we? At the very most, I can quit if the job is really not suitable. Probation is a two-way street. I swear I would stop being a goody-two-shoes. I want to stop caring. I will take leave when I want to. I will take MC if I am sick. I am tired of being a considerate worker. 

No one is indispensable. In the end, when you are let go, you become a statistic. You join the ranks of the unemployed and you job hunt until you get a new job. The only way out is being your own boss,  retirement and/or financial independence. 

In a funk

It's funny, isn't it?

2 years on, it's nearing the end of 2018, and I'm still me. Still the same old me. The one prone to melancholy, to tears, to negativity. Did I find get an interview? No. Did I get an office job? No. I'm still ever afraid of sending my resume and getting called up for an interview. I'm still afraid of making an embarrassment out of myself. While others have moved on; getting a normal job, getting attached, getting married, having children, I'm still stuck in a rut.

My job isn't high-paying. Heck, it's below-average pay but I can't really complain. Sometimes I wonder how will I survive this horrible world. Sometimes I wonder when I will get a boyfriend, get married and lead a normal life. I'm scared. I'm scared of growing old, of being helpless, of being without enough savings, of being a burden...

I'm the classic introvert who is also shy and has anxiety. I wonder how I will survive when my parents become older. Sometimes, I think that being died is the better solution for me but that's going into dangerous territory. I swear I am not suicidal. If only because suicide is always painful and I have a phobia of pain. Maybe when it's time to go, there will be the option of euthanasia. Maybe, god will be merciful and take me in my sleep.

Revival?

I may just start a travel blog to pen down my thoughts and experiences. How funny is it that my mind goes a mile a minute at times but when I try to type them down, I falter.

F. My Life

This is crap. I don't ever want to write a cover letter in my life again or do a job hunt. I am trying so hard to be brave and yet I am failing terribly at it. It is either that I don't have the correct qualifications or experience to apply for the jobs I am interested in. Passion can only get one so far. Don't even get me started on going for an interview. I am scared stiff of quick fire questioning and meeting strangers in a formal setting. I am worried of getting tongue-tied and embarrassing myself. 

Perhaps my greatest weakness is not having the confidence or the ability to "fake it". I am just me. Average, boring me. If the circumstances are otherwise, perhaps I won't have such a hard time with "life issues". Sometimes I envy those who have their lives planned out. I am sure they have their fair share of insecurities and problems, but at least they are able to make it? At least they excelled at something? I guess I am still in the works. 

I will thank the gods when I pass an interview and get a job offer that can hopefully last me through the years. They were right. The adults were right. It is so much easy being a child, a student. At least I don't have to think about bills and responsibilities then.

Soon to come

1.5 days left before my "liberation" from academia life. On the one hand, I really don't want to study for this exam anymore because it is my last paper (in hopefully a very long time). On the other hand, this exam is 50% which means I have to do relatively well in it to get at least a B. I also want to draw the curtains on this last leg of University on a good note.

Standing at the Crossroads

It's nearly time for exams and I probably shouldn't be thinking about other stuff but I just have too much conflicting thoughts in my head. I think I will scream if I don't pen them down.

Being a Geography major, I really hate to categorize and stereotype people. However, I guess (Asian) parents will be (Asian) parents. No matter what, there will always be a generation gap between 'us' and 'them'. I am now at the crossroads of my life and truth be told, I am suffering badly from what is termed a "quarter-life crisis". I have little idea about the direction I want to go or should be going. No. I should probably say that I have ideas but I am facing roadblocks in the forms of myself, my parents and the society.

Graduating with a degree is more cumbersome than I thought. Instead of aiding me, my certificate is actually dragging me down. I am not regretting my University life because it was my goal and I achieved it. My Bachelor of Arts will always be my source of pride because I took a chance and did something different.

Herein lies the problem. My degree, by far, is not seen as "practical" by society. I've resigned myself to always have an answer when people ask me what I am going to do with it. Oh please! I did not study for monetary gains. I study because I am interested in the discipline and to build one's character. Too bad that Singapore's society is still mostly set in their traditional ways. What is aggravating and perhaps disappointing is that my parents are not infallible to those perceptions.

I'll take charge of my own life. I'll lead my own life. I'll certainly try to stay true to myself, my values and my beliefs. Why should I live the lives of others? Why should I change who I am and what I am comfortable with? Why should I conform to society norms? Why should I do what society dictates?

I would rather embrace my strengths and weaknesses and be content than to change so that I can earn more money. Now that I know my likes and dislikes, I should actually be seeking out jobs that fit me than to change myself to fit the jobs, right?! Whatever happens to "embrace the differences"? I will probably never feel comfortable to stand up and speak in front of an audience. If that is the case, why should I even make my life a living hell and seek jobs that entail that component?

Sigh, that's why I am not comfortable sharing stuff with my parents, especially serious stuff like job hunting. For one, I really haven't made up my mind yet and the last thing I want is having them telling me what to do. The other is that they will probably not empathize with me. I guess this is the way of the "adults". They are taking a "been there, done that" kind of attitude. I am so glad I took a motivational test and sought guidance from a career advisor. God knows where else I will get that kind of support. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents dearly and I am blessed they have mostly been supportive of the things I do. Sometimes, boundaries just have to be made to ensure the sanity of everyone. 

Commiserate

A few more days to exams, and then I will be free! I can almost taste the freedom despite being in this critical period of revision. 

I daresay I am kind of, not giving up, but just a reluctance to study because everything is so boring. I don't mind studying or doing assignment (much) but asking me to sit through exams is really hateful. There is so much uncertainty and insecurity with exams. Why should the stakes be so high on a single component? There is so much that could go wrong. 

Maybe this is my second last semester in University. Maybe I am just sick of studying and mugging. I truly enjoy myself this semester, with newly made friends from Thailand field study. This is the semester where I don't feel lonely, where I can hang out with friends, eat lunch, commiserate and do project(s) together. However, this is also the semester where the modules I picked are pretty awful. I barely feel rested after 6 weeks in Thailand when the semester started so there's a feeling of losing out on the summer holidays. 

That's why I intend to make full use of the December holidays and simply relax and (finally) do the things I want. My last semester will be the beautiful finale.