Meh

1 month after starting my 2nd job. 

I wouldn't go as far as to say I loathe the job, but there is certainly no love lost. The only pros are the proximity and "work-life" balance. The pay sucks ball. The management is... they get a star for trying, but meh. 

I don't really care for company outings and whatnot. All these are merely distractions. I just want to do my job for 8 hours and go home. I am not there to make friends, alright? 

Would it be morbid to wish for death on my 30th birthday? I don't want to do this anymore. 

There is no going back

I miss those good old days even though I know there is no going back. 

I used to work weekday nights and Saturday mornings and I would give up anything to go back again. I miss my Mondays and Wednesday half-days. I miss going out shopping in those afternoons. I miss those "5th weeks". 

I don't know if I can deal with being in this role for this year. I guess it is not too late to quit but I have to be pragmatic. I have insurance and investment that need paying. I need my CPF. I need to grow my savings. Worst of all, I don't even know what I want to do. 

But now, I guess I have a clearer idea. I want to focus more on tutoring individual students. I think I can do well in that area. Hopefully, I will end my job soon and look for assignments on the side... 

I missed studying. At least there is a clear start and end to it. At least I have school holidays to look forward to. At least we can talk about things other than work. I don't even mind the exams and projects. 

This sucks

Today is my first day of work at my new job. 

I dreaded this day for the whole of February. It wasn't a job I wanted. I only took it because I was blinded by desperation. 

I will quit without hesitation if I win big money. It's just too bad we are not rich. 

I have my resignation letter all typed out. When I had enough, I will turn it in. 

I had enough of all this shit. I don't want to commit myself to a job I can't see myself doing. I feel sorry for the folks there but it is what it is. 

7 stages of grief

I didn't take the time to grief over my job loss. I didn't expect my grief to be so great. I thought I will be stronger and stoic but apparently not. To be honest, I had wanted to leave this past couple of years but I stayed on. 

I know I rushed the process of finding and landing another job. I blamed myself for being desperate because I could not bear the thought of being unemployed and not able to have paychecks. But, the moment I committed myself to the new job, I faltered and found myself regretting my hasty decision. 

From knowing I will be made redundant to going to my first interview is only 2 weeks. From my last day of work to the first day of the new job is only a couple of days. I was too naive to believe that work will keep me from overthinking. 

This time, I will make sure I keep my emotions in check and treat work as just work. This is not what I want to be doing anyway. I don't know what I want, but I know it is not this. 

End of an era

 Last day of work in my first full-time job. 

I worked 7 years as a part-timer and 5 years as a full-timer. That's > 12 years gone. Could not believe I told myself I would quit after 3 months. Habit is a dangerous thing. 

Lots to reminisce and I can't say I didn't enjoy the journey. The children, for the most part, make it worthwhile. My boss has been great. I enjoyed the short hours. The pay, while low, isn't too shoddy if you only worked 36 hours a week. The only part I dislike is working on Saturdays. I have missed out on a lot of activities by working on Saturdays. 

My new job starts on Monday, which is stupid on my part. I don't know what I was thinking when I told them that I am available on 1st March. I should have taken a break. 

I have been crying myself to sleep for so many nights now. I guess all the feelings I have bottled up during the day just come gushing out as tears. There is no one for me to talk to or who would take me seriously. 

I decided I want to live and yet my family asks me to find meaning in life? My purpose is to live. A job is a means to the end. I never thought much about jobs. Sure, I have lofty goals and dreams when I was younger and more arrogant. I want to drive a BMW. I want to dress nicely and work in an office. I want to dine in cafes and restaurants and drink Starbucks every day. 

But that all change as entered and graduated from University. I couldn't see my future the older I get. I got disillusioned and crabby like an old fart. 

I thought, since I don't know what I can be, maybe I should just dedicate my life to help other people. But I am a coward who always overthinks and second-guessing myself. 

My five-year plan is to bid for a 2-room BTO (or a 3 room resale if possible) and invest my money to build up a passive income. I want to stop working full-time by age 45-50. I want to work part-time and/or volunteer and do what the hell I want. It will be good if I can afford a 3 room resale as I get to rent out a room. But why the hell are resale HDBs so expensive? 

A shell of my former self

I feel like I couldn't be happy anymore. 

When I look into the mirror, I saw a shell of my former self. I saw puffy eyes (because I kept crying at night), I have strands of white hair (whatever, I am growing old), I saw myself becoming old. I want to adopt the heck-care attitude, maybe I should bungee-jump or something. 

All my life, I try and try to be the perfect person. I really bought into the idea of the Singapore Dream:  "study hard, get good grades, get a good job". I put all my effort into the first two steps but I falter at the last and most crucial step. In retrospect, I should have endured and studied one more year in University to qualify for public-sector jobs. Well, that train has long since left. 

I guessed I was lucky to be employed in a stable, low-stressed job for more than 5 years. It wasn't anything hard or stressful although the pay wasn't high. My boss is my former teacher and I think I thrive in that high autonomy work environment. Too bad she decided to close her business after all these years. I never want to stay forever, but my plan is to at least have a stable income during these uncertain times. 

If there is anything I want to tell the younger generation, it is this; "good luck, you will need it. The job market is only going to get harder". 

Smiling Depression

This is just a collection of words that describe what I go through every day. Every day is a struggle for me. My emotions fluctuate wildly throughout the day and night. The only time I don't think about it is when I am asleep. 

Anhedonia - lost interest in activities they used to enjoy and have a decreased ability to feel pleasure.

After knowing I was being let go from my first job, I felt like a deflated balloon. Nothing else seems to cheer me up anymore. I couldn't even celebrate CNY properly. I forced myself to act normal and breakdown when I am alone at night. I must have cried for 6 times in 3 weeks. I know it is just a job and there will be many jobs to come, but it is what it is. I felt like I was forced to mature overnight with no room to breathe. 

Catastrophizing - a cognitive distortion that prompts people to jump to the worst possible conclusion, usually with very limited information or objective reason to despair. When a situation is upsetting, but not necessarily catastrophic, they still feel like they are in the midst of a crisis.

Passive suicidal ideation - wishing you were dead or that you could die, but you don't actually have any plans to commit suicide. 

I am alive because I am scared of pain. Dying always seems painful and scary to me. Yes, I am a coward and couldn't even face death.

I am alive because of my family. I know they will be devastated. I know they must think that I am too naive, pampered and "haven't seen the real world yet" to have thoughts like this. 

I am alive because I don't want to be a bother and inconvenience others. The last thing I want is strangers fussing over me. 

I hate myself for having bad thoughts but I envy those who died young in freak accidents. One moment he/she was alive and the next moment, he/she was gone. Does it hurt to die like that, I would think to myself. Every morning I wake up and I wish I had died in my sleep. I wish I had a cardiac arrest and be gone in an instant. 

Will you miss me when I am gone?

When I am gone, I secretly hope someone will read my blog posts.

Maybe I also hope they will feel guilty for not taking me seriously before when I said I have depression and anxiety. I know they think I am kidding. I know they think I am too pampered.  I know they think I should get a real job. I know they think I had it good for 30 years with a closed-knit family, good food, hot showers, a bed to lie in and the occasional treats. 

I know they always say I should experience the "real world" as in "look at all those less fortunate and they can survive in this world so why can't you with all your luxuries?" Well, if only life works like that. 

I don't even mind getting Covid-19 now, to be honest. If it means I get to quarantine for 2 weeks and more, I will willingly sacrifice myself. 

I now know why people end their lives. I now know why people self-harm. I now know why people cannot see themselves being happy. Because I have become one of them. 

Maybe, who knows, one of these days I will become another statistic. 

I can't see my future

I can't believe the last time I wrote a post was in 2018. 

Fast forward to 2021, and I am still here. My depression got worst, not because of Covid-19 but because the job I had for 5 years suddenly becomes obsolete. That's right, I got retrenched/terminated because the business will be closed in the end of February. 

Oh my F***ing god! I became jobless in the worst circumstance ever; still in a pandemic with a terrible job market. 

I was out for a couple of weeks. I felt like life didn't matter at all. I didn't even want to celebrate Chinese New Year. The urge to end it was high. Suicidal ideation, I get it now. (But it is stupid to kill myself over a job. A job, ultimately, is just a job. You work, you earn money, you go home. I wasn't going to leave my family behind like that.)

The funny thing is I didn't even like that job all that much. Yes, I get high autonomy. Yes, it was low-stressed and there was no politics. It was almost the perfect job for an introvert with anxiety disorder. Too bad the pay was low.

 I know I won't stay for too long but I didn't have any concrete plans and I certainly wasn't going to quit in this hostile job environment. 

Should I be thankful that the greater beings have other plans for me; at the start of the year???

I should have taken my time to find another job. But the mere thought of a total loss of income was too much to bear at that point in time. So I hopped on the job hunting train and my brother's friend referred a job for me. I bumbled my way through an interview (it was horrible for me) but I got the job. That's when the self-doubt started. I was not confident in my job scope at all. 

The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't happy. 

I should have given myself a break between jobs. Why did I just jump into a new job without giving myself time to adjust my emotions? 

I should have assessed my options a lot clearer. It was too late when I found out about the SGUnited Skills programme. I could have worked part-time instead of jumping headlong into the first opportunity presented to me. At that point in time, any lifeline is a blessing. I couldn't see my future at all and I admit I was very desperate to the point of breaking down. I cried myself to sleep at least 3 times in that 2 weeks. 

I thought turning 30 this year would be my turning point. My plan was to finally sign up for a graduate diploma programme this year after saving for so long. But now I am afraid to do it (again). I don't know if I can juggle a new full-time job and part-time studies. 

We'll see, won't we? At the very most, I can quit if the job is really not suitable. Probation is a two-way street. I swear I would stop being a goody-two-shoes. I want to stop caring. I will take leave when I want to. I will take MC if I am sick. I am tired of being a considerate worker. 

No one is indispensable. In the end, when you are let go, you become a statistic. You join the ranks of the unemployed and you job hunt until you get a new job. The only way out is being your own boss,  retirement and/or financial independence. 

In a funk

It's funny, isn't it?

2 years on, it's nearing the end of 2018, and I'm still me. Still the same old me. The one prone to melancholy, to tears, to negativity. Did I find get an interview? No. Did I get an office job? No. I'm still ever afraid of sending my resume and getting called up for an interview. I'm still afraid of making an embarrassment out of myself. While others have moved on; getting a normal job, getting attached, getting married, having children, I'm still stuck in a rut.

My job isn't high-paying. Heck, it's below-average pay but I can't really complain. Sometimes I wonder how will I survive this horrible world. Sometimes I wonder when I will get a boyfriend, get married and lead a normal life. I'm scared. I'm scared of growing old, of being helpless, of being without enough savings, of being a burden...

I'm the classic introvert who is also shy and has anxiety. I wonder how I will survive when my parents become older. Sometimes, I think that being died is the better solution for me but that's going into dangerous territory. I swear I am not suicidal. If only because suicide is always painful and I have a phobia of pain. Maybe when it's time to go, there will be the option of euthanasia. Maybe, god will be merciful and take me in my sleep.

Revival?

I may just start a travel blog to pen down my thoughts and experiences. How funny is it that my mind goes a mile a minute at times but when I try to type them down, I falter.

F. My Life

This is crap. I don't ever want to write a cover letter in my life again or do a job hunt. I am trying so hard to be brave and yet I am failing terribly at it. It is either that I don't have the correct qualifications or experience to apply for the jobs I am interested in. Passion can only get one so far. Don't even get me started on going for an interview. I am scared stiff of quick fire questioning and meeting strangers in a formal setting. I am worried of getting tongue-tied and embarrassing myself. 

Perhaps my greatest weakness is not having the confidence or the ability to "fake it". I am just me. Average, boring me. If the circumstances are otherwise, perhaps I won't have such a hard time with "life issues". Sometimes I envy those who have their lives planned out. I am sure they have their fair share of insecurities and problems, but at least they are able to make it? At least they excelled at something? I guess I am still in the works. 

I will thank the gods when I pass an interview and get a job offer that can hopefully last me through the years. They were right. The adults were right. It is so much easy being a child, a student. At least I don't have to think about bills and responsibilities then.

Soon to come

1.5 days left before my "liberation" from academia life. On the one hand, I really don't want to study for this exam anymore because it is my last paper (in hopefully a very long time). On the other hand, this exam is 50% which means I have to do relatively well in it to get at least a B. I also want to draw the curtains on this last leg of University on a good note.

Standing at the Crossroads

It's nearly time for exams and I probably shouldn't be thinking about other stuff but I just have too much conflicting thoughts in my head. I think I will scream if I don't pen them down.

Being a Geography major, I really hate to categorize and stereotype people. However, I guess (Asian) parents will be (Asian) parents. No matter what, there will always be a generation gap between 'us' and 'them'. I am now at the crossroads of my life and truth be told, I am suffering badly from what is termed a "quarter-life crisis". I have little idea about the direction I want to go or should be going. No. I should probably say that I have ideas but I am facing roadblocks in the forms of myself, my parents and the society.

Graduating with a degree is more cumbersome than I thought. Instead of aiding me, my certificate is actually dragging me down. I am not regretting my University life because it was my goal and I achieved it. My Bachelor of Arts will always be my source of pride because I took a chance and did something different.

Herein lies the problem. My degree, by far, is not seen as "practical" by society. I've resigned myself to always have an answer when people ask me what I am going to do with it. Oh please! I did not study for monetary gains. I study because I am interested in the discipline and to build one's character. Too bad that Singapore's society is still mostly set in their traditional ways. What is aggravating and perhaps disappointing is that my parents are not infallible to those perceptions.

I'll take charge of my own life. I'll lead my own life. I'll certainly try to stay true to myself, my values and my beliefs. Why should I live the lives of others? Why should I change who I am and what I am comfortable with? Why should I conform to society norms? Why should I do what society dictates?

I would rather embrace my strengths and weaknesses and be content than to change so that I can earn more money. Now that I know my likes and dislikes, I should actually be seeking out jobs that fit me than to change myself to fit the jobs, right?! Whatever happens to "embrace the differences"? I will probably never feel comfortable to stand up and speak in front of an audience. If that is the case, why should I even make my life a living hell and seek jobs that entail that component?

Sigh, that's why I am not comfortable sharing stuff with my parents, especially serious stuff like job hunting. For one, I really haven't made up my mind yet and the last thing I want is having them telling me what to do. The other is that they will probably not empathize with me. I guess this is the way of the "adults". They are taking a "been there, done that" kind of attitude. I am so glad I took a motivational test and sought guidance from a career advisor. God knows where else I will get that kind of support. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents dearly and I am blessed they have mostly been supportive of the things I do. Sometimes, boundaries just have to be made to ensure the sanity of everyone. 

Commiserate

A few more days to exams, and then I will be free! I can almost taste the freedom despite being in this critical period of revision. 

I daresay I am kind of, not giving up, but just a reluctance to study because everything is so boring. I don't mind studying or doing assignment (much) but asking me to sit through exams is really hateful. There is so much uncertainty and insecurity with exams. Why should the stakes be so high on a single component? There is so much that could go wrong. 

Maybe this is my second last semester in University. Maybe I am just sick of studying and mugging. I truly enjoy myself this semester, with newly made friends from Thailand field study. This is the semester where I don't feel lonely, where I can hang out with friends, eat lunch, commiserate and do project(s) together. However, this is also the semester where the modules I picked are pretty awful. I barely feel rested after 6 weeks in Thailand when the semester started so there's a feeling of losing out on the summer holidays. 

That's why I intend to make full use of the December holidays and simply relax and (finally) do the things I want. My last semester will be the beautiful finale. 

Exams

Oh bother, this is hateful. 

It's that time of the year again where it's time to prepare for exams. 

Time to say Goodbye

This is probably my last post before I leave Singapore tomorrow afternoon. 

Despite all my pessimism, misgivings and doubts, as long as I remember I chose this path because I am exchanging 6 weeks of summer holidays for 2 semesters of easier time, I should be fine. As the saying goes, "as you made your bed, so you must lie on it". Nobody forces me into making this decision and I vow to be brave about it. On the other hand, "bravery is by far the kindest word for stupidity". 

Seriously though, why am I crying as I write this entry? I am prone to histrionics and am melancholic in nature. 

That's why I hate goodbyes, more so, long goodbyes. But now, it's time to say goodbye to Singapore, to my family, to my home, to my room, to my bed and all the things I've taken for granted. This will be the first and last time so I shall try to cherish it. I won't fail, will I? 

Catch you on the flip side. 

Count the seconds till I'm home (with you)

2 more days till I leave Singapore! 

It's still pretty surreal to me even though I am in the midst of packing. 

When I wake up during the night, I thought to myself, it will be 6 weeks later before I get to sleep in my beautiful bed, under my new duvet with the air-conditioner on, surrounded by my Angry Birds toys. Will I even be comfortable going to the toilet in the middle of the night, especially during the home-stays? Will I feel safe? 

I have to bid goodbye to all the comforts I have taken for granted, both provided by the country and home. I can't walk around in shorts and T-shirt and go to the nearest shopping mall to buy things. I can't even eat my favourite/comfort food. The gist of it is I can't be myself. I'll have to put up an act and 'entertain' people all day long, even at night. I, who value my freedom of expression, having to curb myself and rely on others' whims and moods. 

To be more efficient in managing and passing the time, I have devise a method through psychological means. Time is divided into pre-, post- and everything else just falls under "during". I tend to concentrate on pre- and post- event, because the act itself is often short and quick (like ripping off a plaster). Isn't it true for examinations, projects deadlines and what not? I've planned what I intend to do when I return on the 27th of July, down to the first meal I'll be having upon arrival (McDonalds, in case you are wondering). 

I've divided the entire field studies into first and last 3 weeks. I reckon the first 3 weeks will be the worst. Once July is here, it will truly be a countdown till departure. 

If all else fails, countdown clocks are the best psychological weapons. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than watching the days gone by. Each day that is done will bring me one day closer to Singapore again. 

When studying becomes a chore and the modules pose no interest to you, you know it's time to close that chapter. Thus, one more year. 

Countdown

Woah, why is June moving so fast?! It's already the 3rd!

In just 12 days I will be leaving Singapore and that thought is both depressing and poignant. Essentially, I will losing 1 month this year; July. July will be practically non-existence for me. Oh, I will be deeply aware of each passing day. The question is will I be able to enjoy each day or will it just be a countdown? A strike for each day till I am home again. 

Chronicles of May

Well, this has been an eventful month. I'm going to miss May so much when the new month comes around tomorrow. 

The first and second week of May were marked with examinations and then my birthday. I visited Gardens by the Bay with my mother on the 10th to "celebrate" the summer holidays as well as to see the tulips from the Netherlands. 

On the 11th, I had a post-birthday dinner at Outback Steakhouse with the family. 12th June is officially the start of the summer holidays. 

The much anticipated Star Trek: Into Darkness featuring Benedict Cumberbatch as the villain opened in Singapore on 16th May. I watched it in glorious IMAX 3D at Shaw Lido with my friend on the 18th. It was an awesome experience as we were seated right in the middle of the giant screen. As a fan of his whom main reason for watching this film was because of him, I grinned/laughed at inappropriate moments. There's just this sense of pride in seeing him in his breakthrough role in a Hollywood blockbuster. For the second time, I watched it with my cousin, who is a fellow fan, on Monday, 20th May. 

The following day, I went back to the university to pay the rest of the fees for the Thailand field studies, in cash, I might add. Sometimes, the university can be so rigid and inflexible. 

I had a short and nice meet up with my good friend from secondary school on Wednesday. Ahh, the good, old days of secondary school where stress means doing homework and passing tests/examinations. 

The final week of the month was passed in a frivolous manner. This is my idea of relaxation; of giving my brain a break from all those months of hard work. When June comes around, the countdown for the field studies starts. Of course, I simply cannot wait to get home. I will be literally counting the days till I get back to Singapore, to my comfortable life, home and bed.