Pre-semester Stress Disorder

Oh. My. Goodness. 

My heart just raced ahead when I saw how much work there is waiting for me when the new semester starts. And I thought to myself, why am I doing this again? Oh right, I need the degree certificate to aid my life. 

Going to a local university has got to be a wrong decision on my part. But, I just want to be that few percentage of Polytechnic graduates who get to go to a local University, to show that I can make it too. If I get emotional over it, so be it. I have no choice but to grit my teeth and go along. It will be worth it in the end, wouldn't it? At least I get to be an undergraduate and wear the gown, right? At least, there is a sense of pride when I said I'm from XXX. 

As the saying goes, "when Life gives you lemons, you make lemonade". 

God, I feel pathetic to be so affected by academia, just when the government and society is downplaying on academic achievements. I should be letting go! This is my second last year in an educational institution, for goodness sake! Why am I still so strung up about grades and projects?! Why indeed? 

I need a therapist. 

Haunted

Haunted by deadlines and my own incompetence.

Seriously wondering if University is a good choice in the first place, not that I'm quitting, of course. One simply can't just quit in Singapore. You grit your teeth, nod and smile. You hang in there.

Despite all these sayings and debates about paper-chase, stress and exams, you know the industry don't work like that. There's still a need to produce that certificate to show the "effort" you put in, well, unless you are your own boss.

Is sodding a bad word?

High Stakes

The stakes are stacked high against me. I'm feeling rather blue and depressed these days. I can't help but to have all these unsavory thoughts running through my head. What if I didn't make it? What if I fail? What if I can't find a good job? What if I got left behind by society? Goodness, one will wonder what I am thinking.

Sometimes, I despaired how much reliance I put in place to hold myself together. I don't see the need to hide the fact that my main purpose in going to a Uni is to get that degree to give myself greater opportunities in life. Doors will be easier to open, you know?

I don't want to change the world, I just want to change my life.

By now, I have realised how the minority is marginalised and dare I say, discriminated? This is my first time getting that feeling. Those lecturers seem to forget that not everyone is from JC and have the background knowledge for the subjects. I have never done an essay since forever and what am I going to do for the exams, huh?

I hate it. I think this is part of the reason why my confidence levels fall to an all-time low. I have to be content with being an average student in Uni. Sometimes, life just suck. And when Life gives you lemons, what do I do then?

In the Thick of Things

The weeks just past in a blur. It's week 6 now and what have I done? The nightmare has began when I saw all the due dates and the amount of projects I have to do. It's time to get into the thick of things.

I'm really not adapting well into University. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a "model" student. I never was and never will be. I hate to use the word, but I procrastinate too much. 'Tomorrow' is such a beautiful word. But, I can't stand last-minute work too.

I miss TP very much as well as my former group members. I miss the group meetings we had and the hours of discussions about business matters. If there is one thing I got out of University, it is that I finally know what I like.

I like the business viewpoint and how different companies use strategies to grow. I like the practicability of the business world. Above all, I miss the business projects in my entrepreneurship classes.

So then, the question is, did I regret taking Arts and Social Sciences? Perhaps regret is too harsh a word, although sometimes, I find myself questioning my choice. Ultimately, it's my choice.

I don't know if choosing Business Administration at SMU will mean that I will be happier because at that time, I feel jaded about continuing with business. I mean, I hate to go through Organisation Behaviour and Marketing all over again.

Letting Go

Darn it. I've got to learn how to let go. I have to realise I can't get everything I want and that not everything has to go my way.

Why then is it so hard for me to do that? Hey, if there are people better than me, I've no problem letting them take charge. The problem arises when I know that I'm right and I have better ideas. My stakes are high and that's why I must make sure things are on the right track. It's hard to take a step back and look at the issue without a critical eye.

For some reason, some of the slogans that a group member suggests get on me. Having study tourism before and did projects on it, I have to say I have greater experience and knowledge on the topic. Afterall, my former group was steered to great results.

We'll see about this issue tomorrow. Hopefully, the group can choose something great and broad based. I hate to be the "bad guy".

Perhaps, there are times when I'll have to condescend. Sighs, this is not the way I want to do things but group work is all about give and take.

I miss my Poly project group more than ever when I see the depressing way I go about tackling projects at University. I don't know the different people well enough to have the right dynamics.

Gloomy Days

I know I've been blessed in many subtle ways, but how can it be, when I only see gloomy days ahead?

I pray for respite and rain. I want to see a rainbow. I want to be alive again.

I never said I was happy, at least not in the last few weeks. I never want to be part of this insanity. I sure isn't living, as per say, but rather, just managing and surviving. It's truly a pain, I tried to be open-minded and positive, but it soon turn to dust. All those hopes and wishes, they have disintegrate.

I'm begrudgingly doing what I am told, I would never do this willingly. I drag my feet to work everyday.

Thankfully, as I kept telling myself, this is temporary. All I have to do is to endure for 6 more weeks and then I can wiped them out from my life. They will ease to exist.

I can't believe how disgusting they are. Stop it! Stop trying to be helpful or whatever backstabbing thing you are doing! Stop trying to suck away my weekends! I have given up my mind and body, but I will damned if I offer my soul on a silver platter.

It is said that if you have enough of a job and finding yourself dragging your feet to work, it's time to change that job. At least, this applies when you are young or have no obligations to make. When you can afford to be choosy, please do. It's that time when you ahve no mouths to feed, or to be the breadwinner.

I wonder if I would be that type of person later on. I wish I would. I am supposed to be young, free to experience different kind of jobs and settings. If I really hate that job, I what to shove it away and hop on to another one.

I guess I still have part of my humanity left, since I am defying them in little acts. Don't judge, because it means that I can be happy. It pains me to see myself becoming a living zombie. I hate the fact that I feel like a convict each day it is time to go home.