I can't believe the last time I wrote a post was in 2018.
Fast forward to 2021, and I am still here. My depression got worst, not because of Covid-19 but because the job I had for 5 years suddenly becomes obsolete. That's right, I got retrenched/terminated because the business will be closed in the end of February.
Oh my F***ing god! I became jobless in the worst circumstance ever; still in a pandemic with a terrible job market.
I was out for a couple of weeks. I felt like life didn't matter at all. I didn't even want to celebrate Chinese New Year. The urge to end it was high. Suicidal ideation, I get it now. (But it is stupid to kill myself over a job. A job, ultimately, is just a job. You work, you earn money, you go home. I wasn't going to leave my family behind like that.)
The funny thing is I didn't even like that job all that much. Yes, I get high autonomy. Yes, it was low-stressed and there was no politics. It was almost the perfect job for an introvert with anxiety disorder. Too bad the pay was low.
I know I won't stay for too long but I didn't have any concrete plans and I certainly wasn't going to quit in this hostile job environment.
Should I be thankful that the greater beings have other plans for me; at the start of the year???
I should have taken my time to find another job. But the mere thought of a total loss of income was too much to bear at that point in time. So I hopped on the job hunting train and my brother's friend referred a job for me. I bumbled my way through an interview (it was horrible for me) but I got the job. That's when the self-doubt started. I was not confident in my job scope at all.
The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't happy.
I should have given myself a break between jobs. Why did I just jump into a new job without giving myself time to adjust my emotions?
I should have assessed my options a lot clearer. It was too late when I found out about the SGUnited Skills programme. I could have worked part-time instead of jumping headlong into the first opportunity presented to me. At that point in time, any lifeline is a blessing. I couldn't see my future at all and I admit I was very desperate to the point of breaking down. I cried myself to sleep at least 3 times in that 2 weeks.
I thought turning 30 this year would be my turning point. My plan was to finally sign up for a graduate diploma programme this year after saving for so long. But now I am afraid to do it (again). I don't know if I can juggle a new full-time job and part-time studies.
We'll see, won't we? At the very most, I can quit if the job is really not suitable. Probation is a two-way street. I swear I would stop being a goody-two-shoes. I want to stop caring. I will take leave when I want to. I will take MC if I am sick. I am tired of being a considerate worker.
No one is indispensable. In the end, when you are let go, you become a statistic. You join the ranks of the unemployed and you job hunt until you get a new job. The only way out is being your own boss, retirement and/or financial independence.
