Shit fest

 If I could bring myself to use all the swear words out there, I would. 

I am tired; tired enough to want to end it all. I go to bed each night wishing I never wake up and when I did wake up, I only feel dread for the day. 

If I can turn back time, I would have done things differently. At the very least, I would have taken some time off for myself to grieve and overcome my "retrenchment". I would have signed up for the 6 months Skillsfuture course to feel useful. I would not have rushed into this shitty job that doesn't even pay well. I guessed I was blindsided. 

This is a shit fest. I feel like an utter loser at aged 30. I didn't even accomplish anything worth mentioning. I have forgotten what it's like to be happy. I swear to god I will quit this job someday next year. Yet, I don't know what else I want to do. 

Second-guessing myself

So I decided to give it a shot and sign up for full-time employment at this place. The pay is low and I figure since I don't know what I want and have no mental power to go through the whole job seeking process again, I might as well do this job first. 

It's just iffy because the manager went on and on about what's essentially loyalty; staying on for 2-3 years to gain experience, quitting hurts company morale, etc. LOL, what century are we in again? There is no loyalty to speak of. 

Being a nonreligious person, I also feel kind of uncomfortable working in a church-operated company, although it is situated in a government school. I guess I just have to be friendly but firm I want no part in the recruitment process. 

Whatever, I will give myself a year in the company and see how it goes from there. 

Meh

1 month after starting my 2nd job. 

I wouldn't go as far as to say I loathe the job, but there is certainly no love lost. The only pros are the proximity and "work-life" balance. The pay sucks ball. The management is... they get a star for trying, but meh. 

I don't really care for company outings and whatnot. All these are merely distractions. I just want to do my job for 8 hours and go home. I am not there to make friends, alright? 

Would it be morbid to wish for death on my 30th birthday? I don't want to do this anymore.