7 stages of grief

I didn't take the time to grief over my job loss. I didn't expect my grief to be so great. I thought I will be stronger and stoic but apparently not. To be honest, I had wanted to leave this past couple of years but I stayed on. 

I know I rushed the process of finding and landing another job. I blamed myself for being desperate because I could not bear the thought of being unemployed and not able to have paychecks. But, the moment I committed myself to the new job, I faltered and found myself regretting my hasty decision. 

From knowing I will be made redundant to going to my first interview is only 2 weeks. From my last day of work to the first day of the new job is only a couple of days. I was too naive to believe that work will keep me from overthinking. 

This time, I will make sure I keep my emotions in check and treat work as just work. This is not what I want to be doing anyway. I don't know what I want, but I know it is not this. 

End of an era

 Last day of work in my first full-time job. 

I worked 7 years as a part-timer and 5 years as a full-timer. That's > 12 years gone. Could not believe I told myself I would quit after 3 months. Habit is a dangerous thing. 

Lots to reminisce and I can't say I didn't enjoy the journey. The children, for the most part, make it worthwhile. My boss has been great. I enjoyed the short hours. The pay, while low, isn't too shoddy if you only worked 36 hours a week. The only part I dislike is working on Saturdays. I have missed out on a lot of activities by working on Saturdays. 

My new job starts on Monday, which is stupid on my part. I don't know what I was thinking when I told them that I am available on 1st March. I should have taken a break. 

I have been crying myself to sleep for so many nights now. I guess all the feelings I have bottled up during the day just come gushing out as tears. There is no one for me to talk to or who would take me seriously. 

I decided I want to live and yet my family asks me to find meaning in life? My purpose is to live. A job is a means to the end. I never thought much about jobs. Sure, I have lofty goals and dreams when I was younger and more arrogant. I want to drive a BMW. I want to dress nicely and work in an office. I want to dine in cafes and restaurants and drink Starbucks every day. 

But that all change as entered and graduated from University. I couldn't see my future the older I get. I got disillusioned and crabby like an old fart. 

I thought, since I don't know what I can be, maybe I should just dedicate my life to help other people. But I am a coward who always overthinks and second-guessing myself. 

My five-year plan is to bid for a 2-room BTO (or a 3 room resale if possible) and invest my money to build up a passive income. I want to stop working full-time by age 45-50. I want to work part-time and/or volunteer and do what the hell I want. It will be good if I can afford a 3 room resale as I get to rent out a room. But why the hell are resale HDBs so expensive? 

A shell of my former self

I feel like I couldn't be happy anymore. 

When I look into the mirror, I saw a shell of my former self. I saw puffy eyes (because I kept crying at night), I have strands of white hair (whatever, I am growing old), I saw myself becoming old. I want to adopt the heck-care attitude, maybe I should bungee-jump or something. 

All my life, I try and try to be the perfect person. I really bought into the idea of the Singapore Dream:  "study hard, get good grades, get a good job". I put all my effort into the first two steps but I falter at the last and most crucial step. In retrospect, I should have endured and studied one more year in University to qualify for public-sector jobs. Well, that train has long since left. 

I guessed I was lucky to be employed in a stable, low-stressed job for more than 5 years. It wasn't anything hard or stressful although the pay wasn't high. My boss is my former teacher and I think I thrive in that high autonomy work environment. Too bad she decided to close her business after all these years. I never want to stay forever, but my plan is to at least have a stable income during these uncertain times. 

If there is anything I want to tell the younger generation, it is this; "good luck, you will need it. The job market is only going to get harder". 

Smiling Depression

This is just a collection of words that describe what I go through every day. Every day is a struggle for me. My emotions fluctuate wildly throughout the day and night. The only time I don't think about it is when I am asleep. 

Anhedonia - lost interest in activities they used to enjoy and have a decreased ability to feel pleasure.

After knowing I was being let go from my first job, I felt like a deflated balloon. Nothing else seems to cheer me up anymore. I couldn't even celebrate CNY properly. I forced myself to act normal and breakdown when I am alone at night. I must have cried for 6 times in 3 weeks. I know it is just a job and there will be many jobs to come, but it is what it is. I felt like I was forced to mature overnight with no room to breathe. 

Catastrophizing - a cognitive distortion that prompts people to jump to the worst possible conclusion, usually with very limited information or objective reason to despair. When a situation is upsetting, but not necessarily catastrophic, they still feel like they are in the midst of a crisis.

Passive suicidal ideation - wishing you were dead or that you could die, but you don't actually have any plans to commit suicide. 

I am alive because I am scared of pain. Dying always seems painful and scary to me. Yes, I am a coward and couldn't even face death.

I am alive because of my family. I know they will be devastated. I know they must think that I am too naive, pampered and "haven't seen the real world yet" to have thoughts like this. 

I am alive because I don't want to be a bother and inconvenience others. The last thing I want is strangers fussing over me. 

I hate myself for having bad thoughts but I envy those who died young in freak accidents. One moment he/she was alive and the next moment, he/she was gone. Does it hurt to die like that, I would think to myself. Every morning I wake up and I wish I had died in my sleep. I wish I had a cardiac arrest and be gone in an instant. 

Will you miss me when I am gone?

When I am gone, I secretly hope someone will read my blog posts.

Maybe I also hope they will feel guilty for not taking me seriously before when I said I have depression and anxiety. I know they think I am kidding. I know they think I am too pampered.  I know they think I should get a real job. I know they think I had it good for 30 years with a closed-knit family, good food, hot showers, a bed to lie in and the occasional treats. 

I know they always say I should experience the "real world" as in "look at all those less fortunate and they can survive in this world so why can't you with all your luxuries?" Well, if only life works like that. 

I don't even mind getting Covid-19 now, to be honest. If it means I get to quarantine for 2 weeks and more, I will willingly sacrifice myself. 

I now know why people end their lives. I now know why people self-harm. I now know why people cannot see themselves being happy. Because I have become one of them. 

Maybe, who knows, one of these days I will become another statistic. 

I can't see my future

I can't believe the last time I wrote a post was in 2018. 

Fast forward to 2021, and I am still here. My depression got worst, not because of Covid-19 but because the job I had for 5 years suddenly becomes obsolete. That's right, I got retrenched/terminated because the business will be closed in the end of February. 

Oh my F***ing god! I became jobless in the worst circumstance ever; still in a pandemic with a terrible job market. 

I was out for a couple of weeks. I felt like life didn't matter at all. I didn't even want to celebrate Chinese New Year. The urge to end it was high. Suicidal ideation, I get it now. (But it is stupid to kill myself over a job. A job, ultimately, is just a job. You work, you earn money, you go home. I wasn't going to leave my family behind like that.)

The funny thing is I didn't even like that job all that much. Yes, I get high autonomy. Yes, it was low-stressed and there was no politics. It was almost the perfect job for an introvert with anxiety disorder. Too bad the pay was low.

 I know I won't stay for too long but I didn't have any concrete plans and I certainly wasn't going to quit in this hostile job environment. 

Should I be thankful that the greater beings have other plans for me; at the start of the year???

I should have taken my time to find another job. But the mere thought of a total loss of income was too much to bear at that point in time. So I hopped on the job hunting train and my brother's friend referred a job for me. I bumbled my way through an interview (it was horrible for me) but I got the job. That's when the self-doubt started. I was not confident in my job scope at all. 

The more I thought about it, the more I wasn't happy. 

I should have given myself a break between jobs. Why did I just jump into a new job without giving myself time to adjust my emotions? 

I should have assessed my options a lot clearer. It was too late when I found out about the SGUnited Skills programme. I could have worked part-time instead of jumping headlong into the first opportunity presented to me. At that point in time, any lifeline is a blessing. I couldn't see my future at all and I admit I was very desperate to the point of breaking down. I cried myself to sleep at least 3 times in that 2 weeks. 

I thought turning 30 this year would be my turning point. My plan was to finally sign up for a graduate diploma programme this year after saving for so long. But now I am afraid to do it (again). I don't know if I can juggle a new full-time job and part-time studies. 

We'll see, won't we? At the very most, I can quit if the job is really not suitable. Probation is a two-way street. I swear I would stop being a goody-two-shoes. I want to stop caring. I will take leave when I want to. I will take MC if I am sick. I am tired of being a considerate worker. 

No one is indispensable. In the end, when you are let go, you become a statistic. You join the ranks of the unemployed and you job hunt until you get a new job. The only way out is being your own boss,  retirement and/or financial independence.