As ready as I'll ever be

I'm as ready as I'll ever be = I don't really feel ready, but there is nothing I can do to ever feel more ready.

I've done all that I could and really hope that my hardwork will pay off.

SOS

After 13 years, you would have thought I'd wisen up. But no, humans are weird in this way. We never seem to learn, did we?

Once again, I find myself not having enough time to study and this year, it's even worse than usual. For one, it's University. Need I say more? It's really a killer and I am seriously demoralised by everything. If only I could weep and things will be fine like magic.

3 examinations in 2 days is no laughing matter and with how my brains work, I can't really cope with the influx of info. Action speaks louder than words right? I keep telling myself to work hard but somehow I didn't. I need a wake-up call and what better than one in the form of bad results.

I am not giving up but rather, I am trying to lessen the shame of scoring bad grades. Everyday, I give myself a prep-talk, I have to condition my mind in accepting what will be less-than-stellar grades. I keep telling myself that it's alright for this is the first time. I try to lessen the burden I will otherwise face.

All I am asking for are B- for all subjects. I can't fail. I can't get C or D. I really cannot afford that.

I've never had such hard-core examinations since the O levels. On one hand, I feel sorry for myself. On the other, I know that I am the one who put myself in such a spot.

Once every thousand years

So, today is a very special day because it can only happen once every thousand years. Today's 11th November 2011 or rather 11-11-11.

There's nothing special for me except that it was my last day of school for the first semester. All that's left are final exams and then I can take a well deserved break.

My first semester wasn't what I expected at all. Let's just say it was a big shock and I wasn't entirely happy.

High Stakes

The stakes are stacked high against me. I'm feeling rather blue and depressed these days. I can't help but to have all these unsavory thoughts running through my head. What if I didn't make it? What if I fail? What if I can't find a good job? What if I got left behind by society? Goodness, one will wonder what I am thinking.

Sometimes, I despaired how much reliance I put in place to hold myself together. I don't see the need to hide the fact that my main purpose in going to a Uni is to get that degree to give myself greater opportunities in life. Doors will be easier to open, you know?

I don't want to change the world, I just want to change my life.

By now, I have realised how the minority is marginalised and dare I say, discriminated? This is my first time getting that feeling. Those lecturers seem to forget that not everyone is from JC and have the background knowledge for the subjects. I have never done an essay since forever and what am I going to do for the exams, huh?

I hate it. I think this is part of the reason why my confidence levels fall to an all-time low. I have to be content with being an average student in Uni. Sometimes, life just suck. And when Life gives you lemons, what do I do then?

Failure to Thrive

It's almost the end of my first semester in the University and the one thing that I dread most is looming on the horizon - finals.

I've never face such uncertainty till now. For some reason, I don't think I am doing all that well in Uni. Could it be that my luck has run out or that I have reached my limits in terms of education? Could it be that "inferiority complex" is dragging me down or that I've too high expectations?

I feel like I am struggling to stay afloat all this while. Maybe I am too harsh on myself. Maybe all these negativity is getting me down.

Perhaps my years in Poly had 'spoilt' me, afterall I was considered to be a better-than-average student then. Polytechnic was the pinnacle of my education, it was my most successful and the most rewarding. Maybe after all that high, things will be difficult to match up.

I wasn't kidding when I said that a failure will seriously damaged my morale and confidence. And I did just that - failing my Economics mid-sem test. I never fail since Secondary 4!