Smiling Depression

This is just a collection of words that describe what I go through every day. Every day is a struggle for me. My emotions fluctuate wildly throughout the day and night. The only time I don't think about it is when I am asleep. 

Anhedonia - lost interest in activities they used to enjoy and have a decreased ability to feel pleasure.

After knowing I was being let go from my first job, I felt like a deflated balloon. Nothing else seems to cheer me up anymore. I couldn't even celebrate CNY properly. I forced myself to act normal and breakdown when I am alone at night. I must have cried for 6 times in 3 weeks. I know it is just a job and there will be many jobs to come, but it is what it is. I felt like I was forced to mature overnight with no room to breathe. 

Catastrophizing - a cognitive distortion that prompts people to jump to the worst possible conclusion, usually with very limited information or objective reason to despair. When a situation is upsetting, but not necessarily catastrophic, they still feel like they are in the midst of a crisis.

Passive suicidal ideation - wishing you were dead or that you could die, but you don't actually have any plans to commit suicide. 

I am alive because I am scared of pain. Dying always seems painful and scary to me. Yes, I am a coward and couldn't even face death.

I am alive because of my family. I know they will be devastated. I know they must think that I am too naive, pampered and "haven't seen the real world yet" to have thoughts like this. 

I am alive because I don't want to be a bother and inconvenience others. The last thing I want is strangers fussing over me. 

I hate myself for having bad thoughts but I envy those who died young in freak accidents. One moment he/she was alive and the next moment, he/she was gone. Does it hurt to die like that, I would think to myself. Every morning I wake up and I wish I had died in my sleep. I wish I had a cardiac arrest and be gone in an instant.